fear and grief
by jolivira
Summary: During times when the events simply took too big of a toll on the Doctor's mind, she can't help but vocalize and show how truly broken she feels inside. Her new companions, more specifically Yaz, try to help where they can but not much is known about the Doctor herself. aka 13's dark side is showing and this is my take on how the doctor would have snapped in season 11
1. woman who fell to earth

_Chapter One_

Yaz was already on the ground, waiting for Ryan as he slowly progressed down the crane. The Doctor seemed to just have reached the top of the ladders safely with Karl. It was incredibly late but, thankfully, not very cold.

Despite the night filled with life threatening dangers and the constant fear running through their veins, there was still one detail that lingered: Ryan and Yaz couldn't help but smile. The same feeling of joy and exhilaration once they realized that crazy women, the Doctor they had heard her saying, had really saved them.

Yaz assisted Ryan on the last few steps as they both silently agreed to wait for their new friend. The alien (?) that had fallen from the sky, no name, no documents, no records. Just 'the doctor'. They hadn't started questioning things yet though, their minds were just catching up with the events from the last hours. For now, Yaz could only pinpoint a feeling of unease hanging on the back of her head.

The Doctor was on the last bits of the ladder, her whole body was buzzing with energy, completely entrailing Yaz. She jumped down, taking a deep breath as she laid her hands on her hips. The three of them stared at each other uncomfortably for a few seconds, until Ryan bravely spoke:

"How did you even do that?" He was breathing a little hard, probably from trying to get down the ladders too quickly.

"Ah, you know. Almost 2000 years of running away and crashing into stuff will teach you how to get down ladders quickly. Or how to fall from them and only break one arm. Also! I might have had a lot of sugar in the past few hours, at least more than I should've."

Yaz opened her mouth to question the '2000 years' part but was cut off as the Doctor continued on her weird rant:

"I guess it actually depends on what you consider 'a lot'. For humans three pots are 'a lot' but again, depends on the person. Ah! It just feels so nice to be me again. I mean, not exactly me, but _me_ … yeah… " She nodded at them, big grin on her face, very satisfied with her words somehow.

Ryan was the first one to have a decent reaction. He ran towards the base of the other crane, probably to check on Grace and Graham. Yaz looked up from her feet and sent a sheepish look at the Doctor's direction, curiosity and wonder mixing up. She felt her cheeks growing slightly warmer as the two made eye contact that lasted for just a little more than a second.

The Doctor's eyes were bright, shining along with the stars. She opened her mouth excitedly, ready to start rambling on more impossible things no one here would understand. But then something caught her attention. Her face was becoming more neutral by the second, her smile being the first one to go, slowly dissolving into darkness. A deep unexpected apprehension took root in her features.

All the energy, all the happiness vanished in a single glance of those eyes. Not sadness, but she couldn't tell exactly what.

Yasmin looked around, turning from one side to another, to see if there was anything dangerous close to them to cause that reaction.

Was that… was someone crying?

They both ran towards the whimpering until they were close enough to recognize the figures. The scene they arrived at was plain horrible: Grace's body was laying flat on the ground, Graham was kneeled down and Ryan seemed to have fallen down just beside her.

It didn't take much for the two women to figure out what had happened.

"Is… is she…" Yaz couldn't gather the courage to finish that sentence.

Graham was the one to notice their approach, he closed his eyes deeply into sorrow. He slowly got up and distanced himself from the body slightly; Graham lifted his hands to his face as his shoulders visibly started to quiver.

"No. No no no no." the Doctor was standing a few steps behind Yaz. She was standing completely still, abruptly stopping once she realized the reason for the crying. Just beside her, she could feel the Doctor's body exploding with energy, but so, _so_ much different from before.

"This was NOT supposed to happen. No. _NO_."

Oh. Yaz finally understood. It was rage.

The Doctor kneeled down where Graham had been and her fingers raced to Grace's neck, desperately looking for any sign of life she grab onto. Any trace of hope she could find.

"Grace… No no no, please."

Yaz felt a painful tug on her stomach as reality started to sink in. There would be no pulse, Grace had broken her spine in half. Ryan's crying was becoming louder as the seconds passed, dissipating any possible rational thought.

The Doctor eyed him with worry in her eyes, breathing becoming heavy. She started to check her pockets compulsively, rummaging through the scrapped and burnt coat, looking for an inexistent device that could magically fix the situation.

"Doctor, stop it!" Ryan's voice was shaking so much, as if every word was punching him in the gut. "She's dead!"

Yaz reached for both of them, shielding her emotions as she was taught to do with the police, trying to take control of the situation. No panic. She laid her hand on the Doctor's back who violently flinched away.

"NO. DON'T TOUCH ME!"

Her shouting was so unexpected it made Yaz trip over her own feet. She stepped away as fast as she could. How could this be the same person from before? How could she have become so scary in such a short period of time?

The Doctor's voice was laced with raw power and strength when she spoke again, after a few seconds of sincere shock had went by:

"You _can't_ understand. Three people have died tonight. Now… I have to add Grace to that list."

Her eyes were heavy; she also wasn't able to focus anywhere for more than a second, her hands at her side started to fidget, palm opening and fingers moving quickly. She then closed them into tight fists, still looking down:

"This wasn't supposed to happen. Not on my watch. Not- not again…"

Seeing as she was the only one able to move, Yaz tried her best to incarnate the police officer she was training to be. She fished her phone from her coat, already dialing the number from the top of her head:

"I'm going to call someone to take the body… Doctor, listen to me. It wasn't your fault those people died. It's going to be-"

"NO! NO, IT WON'T!" the Doctor interrupted her, easily getting Ryan and Graham's attention. She stood up, forehead tense and nose scrunched. "I was supposed to save everyone. That's _my_ job, _my_ duty to care and only _mine!_ " She accentuated the words, angrily gesturing with her hands. She paused but the atmosphere gave no space for any of them to reply.

"I am just so bloody tired. Every. Time. Every _single_ time! The harder I try the worse it gets. The more careful I am, the bigger the stakes become. The more I get attached the faster I lose them." Her rage slowed down as she finished the last sentence, but still dripping with rancor.

Lips trembling, Yaz saw the Doctor taking a few steps away from the body, respectfully. The Doctor firmly pressed her palms to her face, covering her mouth and nose with both hands. A deep sigh; the calmness before the storm.

"She shouldn't have done this… Nobody should besides me… WHY CAN'T YOU HUMANS UNDERSTAND THAT?" the Doctor furiously turned her body around to face the three of them, the shouting startling them all for the second time.

Her arms fell numbly to her sides as the Doctor looked up directly to the stars. "Why do I have to keep going through this? Why do I keep making myself go through this over and over and over again?"

They watched her wide-eyed as the Doctor seemed to have run out of energy altogether. She walked a little further from them and proceeded to sit down on the dirt, crossing her legs and leaning all her weight on her elbows on her knees. Yaz could see her sorrow and, although she didn't understand it yet, she _knew_ how much it was hurting.

She looked back to check on Ryan and Graham and after silently nodding at them, Yaz walked carefully in the Doctor's direction, both to give the boys more privacy and to try and give some sort of comfort to her.

Yaz picked her phone and, thankfully, it answered on the second beeping

"Hello, this is police officer Yasmin Khan… In the construction yard of 37th street, need transport. Only one… Thank you." She sighed, relieved to stop faking the neutrality in her voice.

Yaz finally sat down next to the Doctor, bending her knees up to her chest, the way she did when she was a little girl. A few minutes seemed to go by. The words that followed were barely audible whispers coming from her right:

"It's Clara all over again. Every time they try to save the day, they try to act like me and this happens… I miss them… So, so much. And the worst is that I can't stop, Yaz. I can't stop running, trying to push it all behind, pretending I can ignore it all ever happened."

Yaz remained silent as she simply didn't know how she could possibly answer that. Graham and Ryan seemed to be paying attention to her monologue as well.

"I really miss them, you have no idea… Adric, Jenny, River. And there's also all those that I never even met. Countless bodies I will _never_ know the names of…"

The Doctor was controlling herself, she wouldn't start crying here. Not now, not so soon. She had a bright new start; a new face, another chance.

Her head hung low, she forced her eyes closed. Yaz held out her hand hesitantly and laid it on her back, for a second try. The Doctor didn't flinch this time.

It took about thirty minutes until they came to take the body away.

/


	2. it takes you away

_Chapter Two_

Graham had asked for a little of alone time to talk to Grace. Or at least talk to whatever it was that was impersonating his dead wife. Yaz had stayed behind with the Doctor and Hanne's mom, Trine; they silently watched as the two walked towards the wooden bridge.

"That can't be Grace, can it?"

"No." the Doctor's answer perfectly mirrored the weather in its austerity and coldness. She continued with the same tone only now looking at Trine "And you can't be Erik's wife."

"I know, but… we are." her response couldn't have been more unsettling.

Yaz closely watched her friend, she could almost see the smoke coming out of her brain as it raced to find a plausible explanation, anything that could make sense in this context.

A different and unexpected voice came from behind them, catching them all by surprise:

"Just look at you."

Yamin and Trine turned around to see who it was. The Doctor's whole body froze instantly upon hearing the voice, feet steady on the ground and arms still. Her expression instantly changed, features becoming an unreadable kind of questioning frown. The woman was a little short, displaying red tinted lips and cheeks; her hair color was curiously similar to the Doctor's, majorly blonde with dark and brown roots poking out.

This woman was completely focused on the Doctor as well, speaking directly and only to her. She also wore a bright pink jacket, Yaz guessed she must've been around 30 years old.

"Please, _please_ don't do this to me."

Her friend took a deep breath in and turned around slowly. Her brow frowned deeply in sadness once she finally looked at the blonde that stood right in front of them. She silently gulped and left mouth hanging slightly open, a few unsteady breaths later and she spoke:

"Rose." the whisper came out almost painfully out of the Doctor's throat. Yaz saw as she closed her fists and anxiously lifted them up to her chest, trying to give herself some comfort.

"Hello Doctor." The woman smiled brightly with her teeth, her eyes lit up and she went back pressing her lips together with a dash of embarrassment. The Doctor took a few steps closer to her, still very attentive of her presence.

"How… How do you know that I'm him? And what are you even doing here?"

"You think I wouldn't be able to recognize you? Of all people?" She said looking up.

It was Rose's turn to get closer. The two seemed to be only a few inches apart now and the Doctor looked totally dazed, staring fixedly at her. Yaz quickly noticed, though, how Rose had ignored the second question and skepticism began to boil inside her:

"Doctor, who is this?"

Yaz tried getting her voice as firm as possible, to take the Doctor out of her trance. But it only worked a tiny bit. On the very least, it reminded her there were still other people there with them, watching the encounter.

The Doctor answered after a while, still physically incapable of taking her eyes off of Rose, not even for a second as if she was going to disappear in the next:

"This is… erm, this is a friend that used to travel with me. Rose, this is… this is Yaz. Yasmin. Yasmin Khan."

Her voice sounded unusually shy, nervous even, taking by her facial expression and tone of voice. Yaz wondered if at the time when the Doctor 'was him' the two had dated or something like that. It would definitely justify their behaviour. She pushed the thought away.

"How long has it been? Ever since Bad Wolf bay?"

The question, even though had been spoken with a smile, had visibly hurt the Doctor as she proceeded to break the eye contact. Her eyes swiftly scanned the ground, analysing all the possible (and impossible given the situation) outcomes of answering. She returned to look at Rose eventually as she lifted her hands and gently clasped them to Rose's own gloved ones:

"For me, at least one thousand years ever since that day. Donna… isn't with me anymore either. For a long time now actually." her sad and shaken smile didn't last long. It dropped suddenly, as new thoughts started to run through her mind:

"No, but wait, this ain't right. This can't be _your_ parallel world… you can't be the same Rose I left all those years ago. The odds are absurdly small."

Rose let go of one of their held hands and cupped the Doctor's cheek affectionately, murmuring:

"I'm here, aren't I?"

The Doctor reached for Rose's hand that cupped her cheek and held it tightly, double-checking that she was really flesh and bone. It almost got a chuckle out of her when she said:

"Yes, you are… It's really you."

They both smiled nostalgically at each other. Yaz felt like an intruder to their private moment. No, as a matter of fact, Yaz was growing more uncomfortable with each passing second. She shifted her weight from one foot to the other. First was Grace, then this woman who the Doctor had been very obviously attached to? What the hell was going on here?

A tiny voice in the back of her mind kept insisting it was just her being jealous of the pair. She didn't even like the Doctor _that_ way, so technically it couldn't be jealousy. It didn't matter. Yaz was just worried with the situation, they were in a parallel universe and they couldn't forget Hanne (the reason they were here in the first place) was still in the real world, waiting for her dad to come back.

All the while, the Doctor seemed to be coming back to her normal bubbly self around Rose:

"Y'know, I got to see so much since then. I actually met Robin Hood, can you believe it?! I guess I owe you twenty quid now, huh… Life's funny, that was one I was certain was never gonna happen. OH! And! And I almost drowned in the 1600s because they accused me of being a witch!"

Her smile was getting brighter now, eyes still very watery but excited and happy, nevertheless. Sadness still lingered in her features, but they were hiding away now.

Rose laughed along with her cheerfully. Almost too cheerful, Yaz thought. Ok, maybe _that_ counted as jealousy. Did it though? Maybe it was paranoia instead.

She watched as Rose tucked a strand of blonde hair behind her left ear and said:

"You're amazing, Doctor. Oh, I missed you so much."

"Yeah, I-" the Doctor began to answer but then she took an unexpected pause, her new formed smiled faltered a little. One of her eyebrows moved slightly upwards in questioning.

"No, but Rose, I'm not-...I'm not him. You have been through this before. You don't know _this me_ yet." Her smile turned to nervousness and her posture straightened, her body seemed to be tensing up upon each realization.

"What do you mean by that? You're still… you. Still my Doctor."

Rose looked up, catching the Doctor's hand in hers again. Yaz felt her own heartbeat drumming louder in her ears. There was something very wrong here. And Graham still hadn't got back, probably talking with 'Grace' in the same manner the Doctor was over here; incredulous and hopeful at the same time.

"No but, you can't…" the Doctor was hesitant now, her expression became tighter and her hands started to fidget imperceptibly. "Rose, look, you reacted so differently when I changed before. And I've been through two lifetimes ever since I lost you, it's not that simple. You don't who I am now, you simply… can't know. I'm- _I'm not the same person_." she shook her head in doubt, the nervous smile making a comeback.

"I have changed too, Doctor, and that's what you can't see. I've grown up, I got more mature."

Rose's response persuaded the Doctor for a few of the following seconds. Yaz realized with a sudden ache in her gut that the Doctor was trying her hardest to believe what was going on; she desperately wanted to be convinced that _her_ Rose was there.

Yaz thought she should intervene before this got out of hand, whatever it was that was going on. She opened her mouth but, by a magical coincidence, another new voice beat her to catching the Doctor's attention:

"Guess I should start calling you 'raggedy woman' now?"

A strong scottish accent and a glimpse of orange hair. They all turned to look at her. This woman was a lot taller than all of them, she was also wearing combat boots, black leggins and a green buttoned flannel shirt. She grinned wickedly and got closer, a lot more straightforward than Rose had been, for sure.

"Amelia… You- you're here too?" The Doctor was too stunned to say anything else, this time not even bothering to introduce them. She closed the distance between them with some quick strides, letting go of Rose's hand.

They hugged warmily, Yaz saw the Doctor's eyes closing tightly in relief.

"Amy."

"Look at your hair! I like it. And you finally ditched the bow tie."

Amy (apparently her nickname) had a very different way of behaving around the Doctor. Instead of an ex-girlfriend like Rose, she acted more like a little sister or the annoying cousin everyone had. And although the Doctor was smiling more with Amelia's presence, she also looked to be dangerously close to tearing up.

Yaz still could not figure out what it all meant, for a moment she wanted to bang her head on the wooden wall until some kind of answer fell out. She backed away and recalled everything that had happened. Grace had been waiting for Graham when they got here, then Rose had appeared for the Doctor and, as soon as her presence started being questioned, another one of the Doctor's friends just appeared out of thin air.

That was when the realization hit her. Someone was trying to make them want to stay, by using their loved ones. That was what the Doctor had felt earlier before deciding to ignore it: the sensation of falling into a trap.

Yaz gathered all the courage that she had left and exclaimed loudly at them:

"Doctor, I'm not sure we should be here. Hanne and Ryan are still-" she had started out politely when the ginger woman, Amelia, interrupted her, successfully regaining her friend's attention:

"You never forgot us did you, Doctor? After all these years."

The Doctor seemed taken back by the question but took the bait. Scrunching her forehead and nose like she had a habit of doing, before answering:

"What? No, of course I didn't. I mean, ever since Manhattan…" And there it was again. The faint smile weakened a little, her excitement was slipping and concern started to take its place. "Amy, hold on… where's Rory? Why isn't he here?"

Now it was Amy's turn to look stunned. She hesitated for a few moments, shaking her head as if disregarding the question. Then she shrugged with her shoulders and answered, never looking away from the Doctor's eyes:

"I don't know. But it doesn't matter, does it? I came here to see you."

Amy smiled brightly as the Doctor's face was only grimacing more and more as time went by. Her eyes were redder than before but they displayed a different type of sadness. Yaz had seen this expression before, back when they had first met, and therefore she knew. The Doctor was beginning to grow upset with the situation and Yaz really didn't want to see things get ugly again.

"It doesn't matter? How can you say something like that? It's not really you, is it? You died years ago in New York."

"I know all of that you are saying, Doctor. I remember it, all of it. New York, the angels, River, everything. But you're just surprised to see us and not thinking properly. Now stop rambling on this stupid stuff, alright? Let's just enjoy the time we have."

Amy's tone was light hearted, but the Doctor wasn't taking her excuses anymore:

"No, you would never leave Rory behind. Not even in a parallel world where you survive. You would never do that, Amy."

She then turned to look at Rose. Her anger dissipated instantly as true grief began to settle in. The Doctor was starting to realize the weight of her words and what she was getting into. Her voice faltered when she said:

"And you. You should be with him, the meta-crisis." a silent sob interrupted whatever her next words were going to be. The Doctor tried to swallow it down, but she was already beginning to fall apart.

Yaz approached slowly, half anxious and half in shock. She had never seen the Doctor crying before and it was time to take action. She put her hand on the Doctor's shoulder, reminded of the first time she tried to comfort her friend.

"Doctor, listen to me. They aren't really here. You know what is happening, you already figured it out a while ago. You just don't want to acknowledge it." Yaz glanced hesitantly at the Doctor's old fiends before continuing. "The same way we know it's not really Grace there with Graham. We went to her funeral, we saw her body. You said it yourself, _it's not her_. I'm really sorry you lost them, Doctor, but they aren't Rose and Amelia. I know you are still grieving their loss and I'm sorry. But this is a trap for you."

As soon as she spoke it, Amy lifted her right palm and Yaz felt her existence itself being pushed away. With a jolt of pain on her back, she opened her eyes in the anti-zone.

/

Yaz was sat down cross-legged on the floor, her face was tiredly leaned on her hand, elbow digging in her knee with the weight. Erik was sitting on the bed with his daughter while Graham had went downstairs to tell Ryan what he had seen in the pocket universe. That was going to be an awkward conversation.

It took 2 hours of waiting until the Doctor finally appeared. She walked out of the mirror with a grunt and immediately turned to close the portal behind her. Yaz got up excitedly but stopped dead in her tracks once she finally laid eyes at the Doctor's face.

Her eyes, usually so big, bright and full of life, were small and red. Shining as always but this time it had been caused by sadness, instead of wonder. To say she had been crying wouldn't do its justice, it was like the Doctor had her head plunged in a bucket full of onions for the last two hours. Her posture was also stiff, her shoulders were bending inwards and her chin was practically resting on her chest. She glanced at Yaz's figure for half of a second and saw her rudely staring.

The Doctor looked away and sighed deeply, lifting a palm to rub at her eye, absentmindedly; loss and emptiness shadowed her features.

A full minute went by before any of them moved. The Doctor carefully turned and started to walk in her direction. Once she was close enough, Yaz extended her arms and hugged the Doctor tightly, not knowing what else she could possibly do to console her. And deep down Yaz knew she would never be able to understand her pain. She had told Rose it had been one thousand years since they last saw it each other, it only got her wondering: how many had there been before? How many years and how many other friends?

The Doctor hung limp in her arms, lightly nuzzling her nose in Yaz's clavicle. Seeing the Doctor stay so motionless was already unnerving enough, but her not having the energy to return a hug was so unlike her it left a bad taste on Yaz's mouth.

"I talked with it. The solitract." her muffled words buzzed in Yaz's skin.

"Is everything okay now, then?"

Silence.

Yaz reprimanded herself for the question. Sure, the situation was presumably fixed, but things were still _far_ from okay for the Doctor. She was visibly shaken, whatever she had seen in the mirror-world after they left had already made her cry enough. She decided not to prod on the subject.

They stayed in silence for a bit until the Doctor gently pushed back. She reached for the wall and slided down with her back, proceeding to sloppily sit on the floor. Yaz sat down next to her, their knees brushing against each other.

"Why didn't anybody appear for you, Yaz?" Her voice was hoarse like her throat was refusing to speak, her tone sounded almost accusatory. Either way, it was a good sign that the Doctor wanted to talk about what had happened.

"I have only lost one person. My gramps." the Doctor turned her head to directly look at her as she spoke. "But I guess I simply don't wish he was back. At all, to be honest. He died of cancer, you know. He was suffering so much, in the end he… he was tired of living."

Yaz still felt sad about it, of course she did. But bring him back to all of that pain and memory again? No, he didn't deserve that.

"And look at selfish old me. One thousand years and I _can't_ move on."

Yasmin stayed silent, she knew at this point that trying to convince the Doctor would be pointless. She had learned that the Doctor needed this. Even though it was not exactly venting, the Doctor never simply spilled what was getting to her. But just to get to say her thoughts out loud to another person instead of a multiple dimension-travelling machine did some good.

"You know what I miss most? Saying their names out loud, after so long. I never… I never thought I was going to do that again."

"It was worse around Rose, wasn't it?"

The Doctor flinched at the mention of the name, her eyes closed and her forehead tensed up. Nevertheless, she still nodded silently.

"I had done something… _horrible_ , before meeting her. Traveling wasn't fun anymore, it had become a duty for me. And she showed me how to have fun again, she reminded me of how good things turn out to be sometimes and… I finally allowed myself to feel happy again."

She sniffed silently, nose scrunching and lips parting as she took a steadying breath. It was weird to have such a personal conversation with the Doctor like this. Neither one properly looking at each other, but really needing the other's presence. And hearing about the Doctor's past lovers also hadn't been on her 'to do' list, but this seemed like a crucial point of her life. And she would be there for her, whenever she was needed.

"I loved her, Yaz… I had never loved a human being before, romantically. I didn't think it was possible, honestly. But there she was."

A smile shined through at the memory, but it disappeared in the next second as she continued:

"Five years we traveled together and we never got around to talking about it. I thought it was going to be like that forever, just me, the TARDIS and her… seeing the universe." she lowered her head "I never even kissed her, Yaz. I had so many chances and I wasted all of them. You have no idea how much I regret it…"

And then came absolute silence again.

Yaz used her left arm to hold her sideways, trying to offer what physical support she could to her friend. The Doctor leaned into the touch and rested her head on Yaz's chest. There were no tears, no sobs to try to stop, no panic to try and comfort. She was completely still. Empty and eyes closed.

They waited a bit, just holding each other until the Doctor was feeling ready to go back to her old self.


End file.
